Posted by In this post I would like to give you a first introduction to my saboteur.
One of her most outstanding qualities is her silky smooth and ever so sweet voice. Don’t be fooled though, this voice of hers is a double edged sword! Skillfully placing every word on my weak points. Cutting through every little glimmer of hope and strand of resistance that tries to emerge.
You may have left my home, but you can’t leave me. I am in your mind, I am that voice saying: ‘You’re not good enough little girl. You’re not smart enough or tough enough or… [strong] …enough to make it in this world’. And that little voice is going to eat away at you like termites until your whole pathetic… [image of yourself] …comes crashing down. You think you’re on the road to… [getting better] …but you couldn’t make it from here to the door without me pointing the way.
Elektra Extravaganza, Pose S1 E08 (fictional character)
She feels most comfortable in my depression hole and calls it her home sweet home. Not confined to that dark and murky place her voice can reach me in any situation in which I feel insecure or lack confidence. For instance we all have that voice within us telling us we’re not good enough. That’s her (at her weakest)! Most of the time we have enough of an energy buffer to tell her to shut up and ignore her clamor.
She however is the most powerful and strongest in the realm of doom and gloom. Always ready to pounce at you from the shadows in your moments of negligence. After all you’ve become easy prey when you fall in to the depression hole, only focussing on the light source from above. All she has to do is wait until you’ve tired yourself out by trying to get out. At first I hardly ever noticed that she took on the role of prompter. Using every chance she gets to slowly and continuously sow seeds of doubt and self hatred.
From Dementor to Saboteur
“Dementors are among the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them. Even Muggles feel their presence, though they can’t see them. Get too near a Dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you. If it can, the Dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself — soul-less and evil. You’ll be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life.”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)
When first reading about J.K. Rowling’s dementors I thought to myself that they truly are the embodiment of depression. That depression was this awful monstrous being that held power over me. That’s what it felt like in the early stages of understanding my depression. I have since come to learn that there are different parts that play into this feeling and belief. My saboteur actually does not look anything like dementors and depression to me is a place I am pulled into and not a creature. While dementors in Harry Potter are outside and their own entity, my saboteur is very much a part of me. Sure, she’s an entity too but she’s not on the outside.
Nevertheless she shares the trait of a dementor: wanting to keep me very close and incapacitated by her side, enabling her to suck every little bit of joy out of me.
My fears, feelings of shortcoming, uncertainty, failure, my regrets and not being enough seem to give her sustenance and strength. Moreover, she revels in my despair.
The more I believed her words the firmer her grip would be and the more space she claimed for herself. Pushing me more and more away from the center and towards the wall of the well shaft. That very much felt like she was ‘…drain[ing] peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around…[her]…’
My Saboteur knows me in and out
As if that wasn’t enough her being a part of me makes her very familiar with my deepest and darkest fears. She has access to my subconscious vault and is able to open doors, unleashing painful memories I tried to shut out. Sometimes drawing inspiration off of what certain outside visitors carelessly dumped into my depression hole. Forcing me to do her bidding, which is either face more of this or surrender and sleep. Not much of an option, right? Back then the only way I felt I could cope was by conceding with what she was saying and showing me.
Once I did she stopped and used her voice to soothe me to sleep. Allowing all the darkness around me to swallow me whole. It became my blanket that I curled up in. I slept for days, weeks and sometimes even months. I escaped into my dreams where I had some semblance of power and control. Somewhere where I could drown out everything and didn’t have to deal with anything. My saboteur singing a sweet song of regret to lull me back to sleep whenever I’d wake up.
The Subconscious Vault
My subconscious vault isn’t really a vault. It looks more like a room or rather a never ending hallway with multiple doors on both sides of it.
Yes, you guessed right, the one’s horror movies or thrillers like to use for suspense. There is no light source. Everything is submerged in black water.
The reason being that this ‘hallway’ or room is like a sunken ship in an even blacker underground lake. That lake I call my dark Abyss.
The Dark Abyss
My dark Abyss is an underground lake. At the very bottom of it lies my subconscious vault. Nothing, up to the point that you‘ve fallen in, prepares you for your first encounter with your dark Abyss.
And encounter it you will while you are in your depression hole. If you’ve been neglectful of your own needs your subconscious will call you out on it. It’s sirenlike call pulling you down into it’s depths. Choosing the most inconvenient time and place.
To be continued…
You might also want to read:
- Depression
- The Outside Visitors
