Every once in a while I‘d have people pass by the opening of my well shaft. I call them my Outside Visitors. They’d stop, lean over and decide to visit me. Despite some of their manners I am still grateful to have made their acquaintance. Through meeting and interacting with them I learned a lot about myself and what kind of people I should allow around me when I am dealing with another episode of depression.
I’ve given them names, let me introduce them to you:
The Faultfinders’ Visit
Faultfinders are amongst the most common people to stop by for a visit. They’d stand at the ledge of my well shaft and lean over it. Always starting their visit off by asking me how I got down there. I appreciated their initial interest. Sharing with them what’s been keeping me down here however consistently prompted the same response: telling me what I must and mustn’t do. Pointing out that I shouldn’t be feeling the way I felt, i.e. Pull yourself together! Push harder! Don’t let it get to you! Stop complaining! You just have to get over it! Etc.
That made me feel like I had to make them understand my situation, over and over. My attempts to explain however were met with even more questions or telling me that I was going about this the wrong way. Some felt like I was only giving excuses. From their viewpoint they never could see my many failed attempts at trying to get out of here. Doing it ‘their way’ only ended in failure for me and I had all the scratch marks on the wall to prove it. Disbelief was common practice for the faultfinders because these people at the ledge of my well shaft couldn’t and some didn’t want to change their perspective. Leaving me feeling like it was me and not the circumstances that led to the situation I was in: my depression.
I would often think to myself: ‘I know you mean well but this really isn’t helping me. I don’t feel like you are listening to understand. It feels like you’re just listening to respond. You staying way up there has me feeling even more pressure to perform and fit back into society. Like I need to keep masking as not to upset you too much. All it’s doing is making me feel even worse about myself. Like something is wrong with me.’
If I dare say anything of the sorts the faultfinders would get offended. Turning me into the ungrateful one. They were just trying to help. My attempts at reconciliation ignored. There even were those that said things like: You have an answer to everything. You’re not trying hard enough. You’re just doing this to get attention! Quit wallowing in your self-pity and take action. If you don’t want help then don’t ask for it (forgetting it was them that started the conversation in the first place. Asking me about how I was and giving unsolicited advice).
After they had left, the questions they asked and what they said would keep echoing up and down the well shaft. My saboteur acting as a megaphone making sure it would fill my head with even more doubt about myself. Allowing her access to more doors with memories I wanted to stay closed. It literally felt like these faultfinding ‘Gawkers of personal misery’ inspired my saboteur with even more awful things to say. All I wished for was that they’d make the effort to come and see me down here. To believe my version instead of what they imagined my experience to be. One of the nastier habits of faultfinders is that they also like to gossip to other people about how you are doing. Leading to more people coming up to my well shaft and starting the vicious cycle over again and again.